Top Ten Worst Animated Movies For Kids

September 18, 2008 | 25 Comments

So I’m strolling through Courtney, BC’s Wal-Mart (which is much the same bleak wasteland as any other Wal-Mart), and I louie into the electronics section to see if they have Frampton Comes Alive! (they didn’t).

thinking about animated movies, kids, walmart, and the fate of DVDs I pass by the discount DVD racks, muse to myself about the parallels between DVD and Laserdisc, and happen to snag my eyes on a particularly enchanting animated movie featuring a cute little bunny on the cover. The movie is called Watership Down, and though the back cover features a decidedly non-Disney animation style, it appears to be a delightful, anthropomorphic romp through a summer field of morels and life-lessons… A perfect children’s movie.

Of course, if you happen to bring up the topic of Watership Down around Toni and Crystal’s friend Mar, you get a startlingly different view of these bunnies. After some shaking and possible foaming at the mouth, Mar will tell you in no uncertain terms that Watership Down’s parade of on-screen horrors (that include: clawed combat, decapitation, evisceration, torture, and intimidation) are responsible for, “Messing Me Up !!!”

Hmmm…. maybe I won’t show this one to Chiara.

Cartoons have the power to captivate adolescent minds like no other form of media, and often shape children’s view of the world very subtly. Later in life we realize that our morel foundations are held up on the backs of such titans as He-Man, GIJoe, and The Toxic Crusaders! On the flip-side, cartoons also have the power to completely traumatize unsuspecting kids into mohawks, leather corsets, face-paint, and future employment in the service sector. Believe me, I know, it happened to me man.

Here’s a bumpy angst-filled ride through ten animated movies that I watched as a kid that totally messed me, and my friends up. Some of them pop up on Kids Channels all the time, others are the more late-night “Stay up late, and hope my parents don’t notice“-kinda experiences. In most cases I’ve come to appreciate and love each movie for their influences, artistic expressions and different perspectives on reality now that I’m a bit older, but back then man, it was some pretty freaky stuff. The gimpy bit is, you’ll find ‘em all down at Wal-Mart for a couple bucks in a package saturated in wholesome, feel-good images, designed to catch the attention of children. Kinda like The Shining done up like a romantic comedy.

Numba 10 - Transformers : The Movie (1986)

transformers 1986 For years, the heroic Autobots have been a surrogate Saturday morning cartoon family to myself, and millions of children. Toy titans Hasbro (fascist creators of the Transformers) decided to release the movie to kick off the third, and radically different season of our favorite show, and promote their tie-in “All new, all different!” line of toys.

We flocked to theaters to witness the triumph of our beloved Autobots, only to witness a horrifying Sin City-style gunning down of our cartoon heroes. One by one, the Autobots are snuffed out at the cold iron hands of the evil Decepticons, culminating with Optimus Prime (the deep baritone of truth and justice himself) suffering fatal wounds in a brawl with his nemesis Megatron.

Hasbro received millions of letters from worried parents indicating that their children were displaying some serious wrist-slitting tendencies after viewing the movie. … oh, and to top it off, the post-movie toy line didn’t sell well. Nice.

Numba 9 - The Secret Of Nimh (1982)

Secret of Nimh Steroid-injected, backyard-dwelling collectivist rats fight the forces of nature, house cats and each other to avoid extermination. Neat premise right ? Absolutely !

The only problem is these rats inherited some seriously dysfunctional inter-personal relationships from the humans they emulate. Our furry family spends a good portion of the movie arguing, uttering death threats, dropping houses on each other, and (literally) stabbing each other in the back.

Dark and complicated ideas swirl in this murky Shakespearian stew. I would have gotten seconds, but the main ingredient was rat’s blood.

Numba 8 - The Black Cauldron (1985)

Black Cauldron Cartoon Movie What begins as a pretty standard Lord Of The Rings-style fantasy flick spirals into a lesson in demon worship and Necromancy, and it’s a freakin Disney film !!!

Mickey Mouse and his gang swept this commercial failure into the cryogenic chamber with Walt so almost no-one remembers it. Those who do retain bits ‘n pieces usually shiver and describe the final scene as “Hell on Earth” as the evil antagonist The Horned King (best pornstar name ever!!!) raises an army of un-dead warriors from the earth under his castle.

Corpses bust forth, swords are swung, another generation loses touch with reality and the sales of candles, tarot cards and Dungeons ‘n Dragons dice skyrocket.

Numba 7 - The Devil and Daniel Mouse (1978)

Devil and Daniel Mouse Imagine the story of Keith Richard’s musical career fused with the plot of Faust, add a dash of Judeo-Christian iconography, and top it off with a morally-convoluted ending.

Now imagine all the main characters are talking mice.

This is the reason why I can’t understand religion… Right here !!!

An interesting nibblet : This flick was the inspiration for the animated rock opera Rock & Rule (1983) !!!

Numba 6 - The Hunchback Of Notre Dame (1996)

Here’s another Disney movie straying into some darker, more mature concepts… errr, with singing Gargoyles of course.

The plot revolves around the disfigured yet heroic Quasimodo and his love for the gypsy Esmeralda. Along for the ride are a tall, blond slightly retarded soldier named Phoebus, an evil lecherous Judge named Frollo, and the aforementioned singing and dancing gargoyles.

It all seems like a great chance to tell a heartwarming tale of adventure, true love, and pixie dust right ? Yeaaaaah no.

I totally loved the Victor Hugo novel in High School, and expected the movie to pay at least a bit of lip-service to it. Instead, the characters are simplified, the motivations are caricatured, the ending is different and the story revolves around just about every character except the titular Hunchback.

We are treated to a song and dance routine about laughing at people who look different, another about how bad Frollo wants to rape Esmeralda, and an ending that teaches kids that no matter how much you try, if you’re ugly, you’ll never get the girl. This just isn’t the kind of story a Disney flick, and it’s audience, are equipped to deal with.

Numba 5 - Wizards (1977)

wizards movie Any of Ralph Bakshi’s films (ie. Heavy Traffic, Fritz The Cat) are candidates for this list, but I decided to go with Wizards ’cause it was the one I saw first.

In some fever dream of the far distant future, a magical Smurf uses the power of nature and naked faeries to combat the evil of Blackwolf, a heartless skeleton man and his army of Nazi mutants.

I’m so serious, this is the plot !!!

If this isn’t making any sense to you, believe me you aren’t alone. This now-cult movie is the earliest form of psychedelic drug I ever ingested, through my eyes. The parade of robots, mutations, elves, dwarfs, boobs, blood, free love and Adolf Hitler speeches are responsible for my overactive imagination, and my life-long case of cottonmouth.

Just bizarre.

Numba 4 - All Dogs Go To Heaven (1989)

all dogs go I saw this flick at camp one year when I was really young in a creaky wooden cabin equipped with an ancient reel-fed movie projector. If this little bit of nostalgia gives you the impression that it is a pleasant memory, you’re mistaken. I remember so much about my surroundings because I was desperate to look at something, anything, that wasn’t the movie. It was that scarring.

Lets go back a wee bit further : Someone in the late eighties believed it would be a lucrative to follow up the darling An American Tale movies with an animated lesson about death and the choices we make for the salvation of our souls (wha?). The mortal in this case is a dog named Charlie, the death he suffers is under the grill of a speeding car, his soul is a pocket watch he carries around after conning heaven’s angels to get back to earth, and his choice… whether to subtlety, or brutally kill his former gangster-dog buddies for orchestrating his death. Imagine a cross between Lady and The Tramp (1955), and The Crow (1994), but with singing, slapstick comedy, and New York accents tossed in to lighten the mood (it doesn’t work). This movie contains a scene where Charlie is tied to a ship’s anchor and his legs are gnawed on by the evil dog mobsters and some piranhas. It’s the first scene of movie torture I ever witnessed.

Numba 3 - Watership Down (1978)

watership down Richard Adam’s bleak novel about Rabbits searching for a promised land became a sensational movie in the late seventies.

Sensational for it’s beautiful, realistic art, it’s compelling mythos, fantastic soundtrack, and most of all, it’s unflinching depiction of life as a wild animal.

That means survival of the fittest baby!

Life as a rabbit sucks, it’s a life filled with fear, loss, and the threat of constant violence, and our cute little heroes aren’t immune to the dangers. The dangers include : Dogs, rats, traps, floods, cats, other totalitarian rabbits… pretty much everything on earth is out to mutilate the heroes of this movie. And when I say mutilate, I mean it. The amount of cute little bunny blood shed in this movie puts the first Robocop film to shame.

“All the world will be your enemy, prince with a thousand enemies. When they catch you, they will kill you… but first they have to catch you!”

Strangely, this blurb from the original English version of the film was absent from the copy I found at Wal-Mart. Don’t get me wrong, Watership Down is a brilliant movie for adults!

For the love of God, don’t let a child gamble his/her sanity on a pretty DVD package.

Numba 2 - Heavy Metal (1981)

heavy metal Speaking of movies for adults… You’re not likely to find this one mixed up with The Little Mermaid, but it does appear on late night TV sometimes. How do I know ? I stayed up late man! And what did my bloodshot eyes behold but SEX, DRUGS, and ROCK ‘N ROLL !!! WHOOOOT !!!

Taking a handful of violence and nudity-filled stories from Heavy Metal magazine and putting them on the big screen is not for kids, but it sure is fun for teenagers!

The Cautionary Part : The moment I witnessed elephant-nosed aliens snort cocaine off the deck of a spaceship, and listened to Black Sabbath blast “Mob Rules”, I knew I was now a man… A pimply, over-stimulated, vodka and heavy metal-craving, horny man.

Numba 1 - The Plague Dogs (1982)

If, like me, you own a dog, it doesn’t matter if you’re a child or an adult, you are going to be freakin traumatized by this movie. Plague Dogs was written by Richard Adams, as well as animated by the same folks that did Watership Down, so it’s no surprise that it contains a lot of the same violence and “survival of the fittest”-themes guaranteed to warm young heats.

Rowf and Snitter are two canine escapees from a lab in Britain where (we are graphically shown) animals are routinely cut into pieces and experimented on. The cute, yet doomed duo high tail it (sorry, bad pun) through the English countryside in search of a place to live without fear of vivisection. Too bad the evil humans are after ‘em with guns and helicopters, so the chase in on, be prepared for a rough ride. I hate giving away the endings to movies, but just in case you are ever point-blank questioned by a child about the über-depressing finale, I want you to be prepared… The dogs jump in the ocean and drown… Yeah, sorry.

Apparently there is a European version of this film floating around that contains additional graphic footage of our heroes eating the dead body of an enemy and accidentally shooting a hunter in the face. I’ll bet it’s available on Youtube if your interested, but I’m not going to look for it.

I’ve got to go hug my dog now. Much love.

Posted by Nostalgiaholic | Filed Under Film & TV

Hollywood Take Note

September 10, 2008 | Leave a Comment

It’s amazing what you can create with a handycam and a couple of drunken Visual Arts Students… I’ve scored two epic homade trailers offa Youtube that really made my morning, both featuring the legendary fruit-scarfing, spook-chasing sprite Pac Man. One takes the Namco icon in a decidedly Dark Knight direction, while the other takes the edgier view of the Ghosts running from a voracious monster. I’d go see both in theaters, no lie, double feature baby !!!

Posted by Nostalgiaholic | Filed Under Quickies

1970s Drug Culture Lingo

September 2, 2008 | 2 Comments

So the other day my buddy Jess scored me a genuine Hardy Boys Detective Handbook from the 70s! Rawk! The antique and curios shop on the edge of town is a gold mine for retro and kitschy stuff like this, and the swag is usually dirt cheap. A couple of bucks and I’m back in the second grade reading out my project on The Hardy Boys - The Clue Of The Hissing Serpent, even though I never finished the book. I slimed myself up an A+ with some distracting crayon art and a serpent’s head made of egg cartons, what a little bullshit artist I was! But this book is different, this is a Detective Handbook! Perhaps I can atone for my shameful past by learning the ways of the pubescent, crime fighting über-honkey. Where’s my decoder ring !!!???

Resembling one of the classic blue-bound Hardy Boys adventures (you know the ones, every elementary school library has a set), this particular book is unique as it contains a “How To” detective guide slapped together by author Franklin W. Dixon, and retired FBI agent Will F. Flynn (real name?). After a couple of rollicking adventures with the twin Gap-shopping teenage super sleuths, we get the low-down on the real criminal underworld, and the tips and techniques we (pre-teen readers = future law enforcement officials) can use to rid our neighborhoods of scum and villainy! Super keen!

This guide has got all the latest information on crime detection that 1972 had to offer : Dusting for, and identifying finger prints, how to tail a suspect, and how to spot and communicate with members of the criminal Drug Culture… wait, what…?

Yep, the lengthy and bizarrely in-depth chapter entitled “Common Terminology Used by Addicts and Dealers” is the unintentionally-hilarious jewel in this tarnished and musty old crown. I’ve skimmed through the extensive pages of both criminal and drug slang and picked some of my personal favs to share. I think it’s possible, with a bit of sly verbal salesmanship we all could bring some of these forgotten ghetto jems back into mainstream conversation. Try ‘em on your friends!

acidhead - Frequent user of LSD (also: freak, cube head).

berries - Dollars.

bread - Money (also: scratch, geetis, lettuce, long green, and folding stuff).

bunco - To cheat or swindle.

bust - Arrest (also: clip, glue, bat out, drop, can, or “got jugged”).

cooler - A person in jail. Also a deck of cards prepared for cheating at gambling.

cat - A sharp character.

dee dee - A person pretending to be friendly.

deck - Container of drugs (also: a bindle, or piece).

dropper - Assassin. Also an LSD dealer

dynamite - Poor-quality heroin.

fireplace ritual - To insult a member of a drug cult in front of other members (drug cult eh?).

finger’s end - Ten percent of the loot.

flattie - Policeman.

freakout - Bad experience with psychedelics.

fresh ‘n sweet - Released from prison (also: ground level, on the streets, hit the bricks)

goofball addiction - Addiction to barbituites.

gut level - Anything emotional.

haircut - to insult a lower member of the drug cultre.

ice cream habit - A small irregular addiction (also three-day habit).

Italian football - A bomb.

manicure - Reemove the dirt, seeds ‘n stems from marijuana.

on the nod - Sleepy.

pop - Inject heroin directly into veins (also: mainline, jab, bang, or shoot up).

script - Prescription drugs.

split - Run from scene.

square - A non-addicted person (also: do-righter, apple, or “do-right Johnny”)

typewriter - A submachine gun.

If some of these themes seem inappropriate for a Hardy Boys novel, you’re absolutely spot on, the preceding chapter actually categorized every conceivable type of drug encountered by police, their mode of consumption and effects on addicts. I guess Frank Dixon and his FBI buddy really wanted little Timmy and Sally Do-Right to know the evils of LSD and the horrors of Talking Hot Dogs !!!

For another slug of retro counterculture lingo slide on over to Skeyelab Music’s How To Speak Hip for one of my absolute favorite lessons on the evolution of “criminal fringe” slang.

Much love.

Posted by Nostalgiaholic | Filed Under Random Goodness