Top Ten Worst Animated Movies For Kids

Posted by Nostalgiaholic | on September 18, 2008

Here’s a bumpy angst-filled ride through ten animated movies that I watched as a kid that totally messed me, and my friends up.

So I’m strolling through Courtney, BC’s Wal-Mart (which is much the same bleak wasteland as any other Wal-Mart), and I louie into the electronics section to see if they have Frampton Comes Alive! (they didn’t).

thinking about animated movies, kids, walmart, and the fate of DVDsI pass by the discount DVD racks, muse to myself about the parallels between DVD and Laserdisc, and happen to snag my eyes on a particularly enchanting animated movie featuring a cute little bunny on the cover. The movie is called Watership Down, and though the back cover features a decidedly non-Disney animation style, it appears to be a delightful, anthropomorphic romp through a summer field of morels and life-lessons… A perfect children’s movie.

Of course, if you happen to bring up the topic of Watership Down around Toni and Crystal’s friend Mar, you get a startlingly different view of these bunnies. After some shaking and possible foaming at the mouth, Mar will tell you in no uncertain terms that Watership Down’s parade of on-screen horrors (that include: clawed combat, decapitation, evisceration, torture, and intimidation) are responsible for, “Messing Me Up !!!”

Hmmm…. maybe I won’t show this one to Chiara.

Cartoons have the power to captivate adolescent minds like no other form of media, and often shape children’s view of the world very subtly. Later in life we realize that our morel foundations are held up on the backs of such titans as He-Man, GIJoe, and The Toxic Crusaders! On the flip-side, cartoons also have the power to completely traumatize unsuspecting kids into mohawks, leather corsets, face-paint, and future employment in the service sector. Believe me, I know, it happened to me man.

Here’s a bumpy angst-filled ride through ten animated movies that I watched as a kid that totally messed me, and my friends up. Some of them pop up on Kids Channels all the time, others are the more late-night “Stay up late, and hope my parents don’t notice“-kinda experiences. In most cases I’ve come to appreciate and love each movie for their influences, artistic expressions and different perspectives on reality now that I’m a bit older, but back then man, it was some pretty freaky stuff. The gimpy bit is, you’ll find ‘em all down at Wal-Mart for a couple bucks in a package saturated in wholesome, feel-good images, designed to catch the attention of children. Kinda like The Shining done up like a romantic comedy.

Numba 10 - Transformers : The Movie (1986)

transformers 1986For years, the heroic Autobots have been a surrogate Saturday morning cartoon family to myself, and millions of children. Toy titans Hasbro (fascist creators of the Transformers) decided to release the movie to kick off the third, and radically different season of our favorite show, and promote their tie-in “All new, all different!” line of toys.

We flocked to theaters to witness the triumph of our beloved Autobots, only to witness a horrifying Sin City-style gunning down of our cartoon heroes. One by one, the Autobots are snuffed out at the cold iron hands of the evil Decepticons, culminating with Optimus Prime (the deep baritone of truth and justice himself) suffering fatal wounds in a brawl with his nemesis Megatron.

Hasbro received millions of letters from worried parents indicating that their children were displaying some serious wrist-slitting tendencies after viewing the movie. … oh, and to top it off, the post-movie toy line didn’t sell well. Nice.

Numba 9 - The Secret Of Nimh (1982)

Secret of NimhSteroid-injected, backyard-dwelling collectivist rats fight the forces of nature, house cats and each other to avoid extermination. Neat premise right ? Absolutely !

The only problem is these rats inherited some seriously dysfunctional inter-personal relationships from the humans they emulate. Our furry family spends a good portion of the movie arguing, uttering death threats, dropping houses on each other, and (literally) stabbing each other in the back.

Dark and complicated ideas swirl in this murky Shakespearian stew. I would have gotten seconds, but the main ingredient was rat’s blood.

Numba 8 - The Black Cauldron (1985)

Black Cauldron Cartoon MovieWhat begins as a pretty standard Lord Of The Rings-style fantasy flick spirals into a lesson in demon worship and Necromancy, and it’s a freakin Disney film !!!

Mickey Mouse and his gang swept this commercial failure into the cryogenic chamber with Walt so almost no-one remembers it. Those who do retain bits ‘n pieces usually shiver and describe the final scene as “Hell on Earth” as the evil antagonist The Horned King (best pornstar name ever!!!) raises an army of un-dead warriors from the earth under his castle.

Corpses bust forth, swords are swung, another generation loses touch with reality and the sales of candles, tarot cards and Dungeons ‘n Dragons dice skyrocket.

Numba 7 - The Devil and Daniel Mouse (1978)

Devil and Daniel MouseImagine the story of Keith Richard’s musical career fused with the plot of Faust, add a dash of Judeo-Christian iconography, and top it off with a morally-convoluted ending.

Now imagine all the main characters are talking mice.

This is the reason why I can’t understand religion… Right here !!!

An interesting nibblet : This flick was the inspiration for the animated rock opera Rock & Rule (1983) !!!

Numba 6 - The Hunchback Of Notre Dame (1996)

hunchbackHere’s another Disney movie straying into some darker, more mature concepts… errr, with singing Gargoyles of course.

The plot revolves around the disfigured yet heroic Quasimodo and his love for the gypsy Esmeralda. Along for the ride are a tall, blond slightly retarded soldier named Phoebus, an evil lecherous Judge named Frollo, and the aforementioned singing and dancing gargoyles.

It all seems like a great chance to tell a heartwarming tale of adventure, true love, and pixie dust right ? Yeaaaaah no.

I totally loved the Victor Hugo novel in High School, and expected the movie to pay at least a bit of lip-service to it. Instead, the characters are simplified, the motivations are caricatured, the ending is different and the story revolves around just about every character except the titular Hunchback.

We are treated to a song and dance routine about laughing at people who look different, another about how bad Frollo wants to rape Esmeralda, and an ending that teaches kids that no matter how much you try, if you’re ugly, you’ll never get the girl. This just isn’t the kind of story a Disney flick, and it’s audience, are equipped to deal with.

Numba 5 - Wizards (1977)

wizards movieAny of Ralph Bakshi’s films (ie. Heavy Traffic, Fritz The Cat) are candidates for this list, but I decided to go with Wizards ’cause it was the one I saw first.

In some fever dream of the far distant future, a magical Smurf uses the power of nature and naked faeries to combat the evil of Blackwolf, a heartless skeleton man and his army of Nazi mutants.

I’m so serious, this is the plot !!!

If this isn’t making any sense to you, believe me you aren’t alone. This now-cult movie is the earliest form of psychedelic drug I ever ingested, through my eyes. The parade of robots, mutations, elves, dwarfs, boobs, blood, free love and Adolf Hitler speeches are responsible for my overactive imagination, and my life-long case of cottonmouth.

Just bizarre.

Numba 4 - All Dogs Go To Heaven (1989)

all dogs goI saw this flick at camp one year when I was really young in a creaky wooden cabin equipped with an ancient reel-fed movie projector. If this little bit of nostalgia gives you the impression that it is a pleasant memory, you’re mistaken. I remember so much about my surroundings because I was desperate to look at something, anything, that wasn’t the movie. It was that scarring.

Lets go back a wee bit further : Someone in the late eighties believed it would be a lucrative to follow up the darling An American Tale movies with an animated lesson about death and the choices we make for the salvation of our souls (wha?). The mortal in this case is a dog named Charlie, the death he suffers is under the grill of a speeding car, his soul is a pocket watch he carries around after conning heaven’s angels to get back to earth, and his choice… whether to subtlety, or brutally kill his former gangster-dog buddies for orchestrating his death. Imagine a cross between Lady and The Tramp (1955), and The Crow (1994), but with singing, slapstick comedy, and New York accents tossed in to lighten the mood (it doesn’t work). This movie contains a scene where Charlie is tied to a ship’s anchor and his legs are gnawed on by the evil dog mobsters and some piranhas. It’s the first scene of movie torture I ever witnessed.

Numba 3 - Watership Down (1978)

watership downRichard Adam’s bleak novel about Rabbits searching for a promised land became a sensational movie in the late seventies.

Sensational for it’s beautiful, realistic art, it’s compelling mythos, fantastic soundtrack, and most of all, it’s unflinching depiction of life as a wild animal.

That means survival of the fittest baby!

Life as a rabbit sucks, it’s a life filled with fear, loss, and the threat of constant violence, and our cute little heroes aren’t immune to the dangers. The dangers include : Dogs, rats, traps, floods, cats, other totalitarian rabbits… pretty much everything on earth is out to mutilate the heroes of this movie. And when I say mutilate, I mean it. The amount of cute little bunny blood shed in this movie puts the first Robocop film to shame.

“All the world will be your enemy, prince with a thousand enemies. When they catch you, they will kill you… but first they have to catch you!”

Strangely, this blurb from the original English version of the film was absent from the copy I found at Wal-Mart. Don’t get me wrong, Watership Down is a brilliant movie for adults!

For the love of God, don’t let a child gamble his/her sanity on a pretty DVD package.

Numba 2 - Heavy Metal (1981)

heavy metalSpeaking of movies for adults… You’re not likely to find this one mixed up with The Little Mermaid, but it does appear on late night TV sometimes. How do I know ? I stayed up late man! And what did my bloodshot eyes behold but SEX, DRUGS, and ROCK ‘N ROLL !!! WHOOOOT !!!

Taking a handful of violence and nudity-filled stories from Heavy Metal magazine and putting them on the big screen is not for kids, but it sure is fun for teenagers!

The Cautionary Part : The moment I witnessed elephant-nosed aliens snort cocaine off the deck of a spaceship, and listened to Black Sabbath blast “Mob Rules”, I knew I was now a man… A pimply, over-stimulated, vodka and heavy metal-craving, horny man.

Numba 1 - The Plague Dogs (1982)

plague dogsIf, like me, you own a dog, it doesn’t matter if you’re a child or an adult, you are going to be freakin traumatized by this movie. Plague Dogs was written by Richard Adams, as well as animated by the same folks that did Watership Down, so it’s no surprise that it contains a lot of the same violence and “survival of the fittest”-themes guaranteed to warm young heats.

Rowf and Snitter are two canine escapees from a lab in Britain where (we are graphically shown) animals are routinely cut into pieces and experimented on. The cute, yet doomed duo high tail it (sorry, bad pun) through the English countryside in search of a place to live without fear of vivisection. Too bad the evil humans are after ‘em with guns and helicopters, so the chase in on, be prepared for a rough ride. I hate giving away the endings to movies, but just in case you are ever point-blank questioned by a child about the über-depressing finale, I want you to be prepared… The dogs jump in the ocean and drown… Yeah, sorry.

Apparently there is a European version of this film floating around that contains additional graphic footage of our heroes eating the dead body of an enemy and accidentally shooting a hunter in the face. I’ll bet it’s available on Youtube if your interested, but I’m not going to look for it.

I’ve got to go hug my dog now. Much love.

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Posted by Nostalgiaholic | Filed Under Film & TV  

7 Responses to “Top Ten Worst Animated Movies For Kids”

  1. AvatarMar
    Sep 19th, 2008
    at 2:21 pm
    1

    I still say Watership down is awesome. They chance upon a waren of rabits that are being farmed and have no problems with being fattened up to be eaten. there’s so much going on in there that you wouldn’t expect from rabits. Hazel’s muh hero, he should be yours too!

    ps. i stumbled here. anything else about me i should know about? ;)

    Reply to this comment.
  2. AvatarStephie
    Sep 23rd, 2008
    at 7:34 pm
    2

    I absolutely LOVE The Secret Of Nimh!!!!
    And I’ve never heard of The Plague Dogs or The Devil and Daniel Mouse.

    Reply to this comment.
  3. AvatarNani!?
    Sep 24th, 2008
    at 7:02 pm
    3

    To some of these movies, I must repeat: NANI!? Seriously some of those movies sound terrifying (mainly speaking of course about Plague dogs and Watership down). I remember some of those movies myself, like the Transformers movie, which, despite the slaughter of autobots, I still think is great. Where else do you get to see a bunch of giant robots break in to dance to Weird Al? And I remember The Secret of Nimh, which was definitely one the freakiest movies I remember watching as a kid.

    Reply to this comment.
  4. AvatarLarry "Liontamer" Oji
    Oct 30th, 2008
    at 7:49 am
    4

    I loved Watership Down but only saw the cartoon as an adult. I’d read the novel back in middle school, but had basically forgotten everything. So all the fights and threshers and whatnot had me whooping it up at the level of violence.

    I’d never heard of The Plague Dogs until reading this a couple of days ago, but now I’m glad I did! The ending in the cartoon (sad) is in stark contrast to the book (happy), so don’t feel too bad, y’all!

    Plus they both feature voice work from Sir Nigel Hawthorne (Yes, Minister/Yes, Prime Minister), taking them to another level of greatness by association. Now the Yes, Minister series, that’s some both good British nostalgia as well as the greatest, sharpest television series ever created. It’s still topical today. How ’bout a feature on that, Shawn? (Even if not, definitely watch it!)

    Larry “Liontamer” Oji
    Assistant Soundtrack Director, Super Street Fighter II Turbo HD Remix
    Head Submissions Evaluator, OverClocked ReMix - http://www.ocremix.org
    Creator, VG Frequency - http://www.vgfrequency.com
    Staff, VGMdb - http://www.vgmdb.net

    Reply to this comment.
  5. AvatarAriel
    Nov 10th, 2008
    at 11:24 am
    5

    Dude, i just got finished watching plague dogs, and i KNEW that someone was going to say it was the number 1 most disturbing cartoon ever. They actually used diologe from this cartoon in ”Skinny Puppys”’ song , ”Testure” But yes, this movie was weird and gorie. The part where the hunter got shot in the face is leaving me in confusion. What is the chance of a dog stepping on a trigger and shooting guy in the face? Was it for shock factor?

    Reply to this comment.
  6. AvatarKarma
    Dec 7th, 2008
    at 12:57 am
    6

    Wow.

    This list absolutely sucks beyond reproach.

    Never mind that you actually put Heavy Metal, and The Plague Dogs… two films NEVER intended for children on a list of “Kid’s Films”, but seriously?? All Dogs Go To Heaven? Secret Of Nimh? Transformers: The Animated Movie?

    To even put these on a list of top 100 worst ANYTHING, buys you a one way ticket to FAILtopia. Population: You.

    Please get hit by a car, and leave the blogging and list making to people that actually are halfway competent at doing so. K?

    Reply to this comment.
  7. AvatarSam Kelly
    Dec 21st, 2008
    at 2:14 pm
    7

    I saw most of these as a child, some when I was in my teens. Both Plague Dogs & Watership down were two of my favorites. Plague Dogs is still one of the saddest movies ever. I’m 36 and I still tear up thinking about it.

    Honestly though, I think those two movies are great for kids, but maybe I’m fucked in the head or maybe everyone else is. My kids are going to watch these movies as well. Better that than marketing in cartoon guise.

    Reply to this comment.

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