The Haircut Hall ‘o Shame

Posted by Nostalgiaholic | on May 27, 2008

A selection of atrocious hairstyles that had their fifteen minutes of fame, and then got buzzed off just as fast, and the musicians, athletes and actors that made them famous.

Pic of me I have never sported the most fashionable of hairstyles, in fact, not only have I stuck to do’s that were uncool, they were usually a couple decades out of date as well. But despite some awkward first meetings, and hilarious Driver’s License photos, I never really thought that my “Surfer guy meets viking warrior at a Steppenwolf concert” haircut was a complete disaster. I like my long hair, it looks good, and I wash it regularly to avoid any Bob Marley-esque insect infestations. Rock on!

On the other hand, with the blistering hot summer express on it’s way, I figured I should probably get a trim just to keep cool. Nothing ruins a day at the beach like having a furry potato-sack sized wad of locks on your skull, causing you to overheat and pass out. So off to the barber shop I go.

“Some of the worst mistakes of my life have been haircuts“ - Jim Morrison

This sagely slice of Rock Music philosophy was echoing in my head as I watched literally pounds of my hair get clipped and fall through my peripheral vision to the floor. Man, it’s been a while since I had a haircut. I hope the barber isn’t taking too much off. I wonder if I could pull off Jim Morrison’s look ? Nah… probably not.

When all was clipped and done I felt relieved at how good it looked. I hadn’t lost an ear and I felt lighter and a tad more contemporary. I got thinking about haircuts and how scary it can be sitting in that adjustable chair, watching your statement of follicle style disappear and get replaced with… what? Jim was right; sometimes a poorly cut, or strangely-styled headpiece can really ruin your self image.

In just a couple of years, a certain hairstyle can go from cutting edge to cutting your wrists with shame, and the internet is the perfect medium to document the rise and fall of these gel-crusted abortions. I’ve thrown together a personal selection of atrocious hairstyles that had their fifteen minutes of fame, and then got buzzed just as fast, and the musicians, athletes and actors that sported them.

Next time you get a clipping that you think makes you look stupid, just remember: These people looked waaaaaaaaaaay worse.

The Greaser

Aka : The Ducktail, The DA, or the Duck’s Ass

Era : 1950-60s Elvis with Dicktail

Victims : Rebellious young hot rod enthusiasts who like leather jackets, loose dames, rock ‘n roll, and well choreographed dance routines.

Made famous by Elvis and the gyrating John Travolta in the 1978 musical “Grease”, this bubblegum badboy look was originally a rip on the “square” flat top haircut. The front hair along the brow is left longer and everything is combed from the back of the head forward to create a poof or curl sticking out over the forehead. It was maintained by constant combing and copious amounts of Brylcream, so much so that kids who had ‘em became known as “Greasers”. Stupid-looking AND flammable… nice.

The White Afro

Aka : The Wafro, The Man’s ‘Fro, Clown Hair, and “Holy crap, look at that guy !!!”

Era : 1970s-present

Victims : Prog-rock, folk, and disco musicians (what’s the connection?), NBA players, people who just woke up, and balloon animal artists.

White Afro If you see a black man sporting an afro you think “Wow, he’s a bad mutha”, but if you see a white guy with the same hairdo you think “Wow, he must be single!”. Looking just as silly paired with puffy tie-dye shirts as it does with tight shorts and roller skates, this iconic 70s style went from hip blaxploitation do to suburban don’t with the onset of disco and glitter body paint. Of course a rare few (last names Dylan and Garfunkel) can actually pull this look off, if you think you can too, check out Dethroner’s article on White Boy Afro Risk Assessment.

The Beady Wonder

Stevie Wonder Album cover clip

Aka : The Stevie

Era : 1970s-early 80s

Victims : Blind soul musicians and pirates.

I had to include this one ’cause not only was Stevie Wonder’s birthday just last week, but he’s one of my personal favorite artists of all time. His hair on the other hand, during a period in the 70s was a complete disaster! Imagine Captain Jack Sparrow meets a Zulu warrior at a craft fair and you kinda get the idea. It must have weighed more than his keyboard! With all that jiving and head shaking that Stevie did on stage, you’d think there would be more bead-related concussions on tour.

The Mullet

Aka : The Rocker, the Ziggy, Hockey Hair, the Mutt, the Helmut, Chicago Neckwarmer, and so many more.

Era : late 1970s-present (c’mon you’ve seen them walking around at thrift stores)

Victims : Hockey players, country music stars, and people who use the term “innit?”

Mullet

What can you say about the Mullet ? Everyone has at some point in their life come into contact with a person who has sacrificed their personal dignity on the altar of hardcore hair. Scary innit ? Revived by Ziggy Stardust and perfected by Billie Ray Cyrus, this ancient style atrocity has always been about “business in the front, and a party in the back!”. If you’ve ever awoke in a ditch after a college rez party without pants, a new tattoo, and a brown paper bag full of phone numbers, you may very well be pre-approved for a mullet, if so, register HERE. For the rest of us, we can only stare in morbid fascination at the hairstyle that is, and always will be F’ed Up Beyond All Recognition (WARNING : contains foul language and terrifyingly accurate portrayals of some guys I know).

Electric Dreadlocks

George Clinton’s hair Aka : The Karma Chameleon

Era : 1980s

Victims : Boy George, members of Living Colour, George Clinton, and people who drop acid by themselves for “inspiration”.

Drugs effect people in different ways. Some people tap into a higher plane of consciousness and create beautiful art, others sink into depression, and some just sit around and giggle while they play with their own hair. Beads, neon coloured streaks and painstakingly braided locks are all hallmarks of this amphetamine-fueled cranial nightmare.

A Flock Of Seagulls

Flock of Seagulls clip Aka : The Seagull, the New Wave, Pepsi hair, and the first sign of the Apocalypse.

Era : 1980s

Victim : Mike Score, lead singer of the synth-pop band A Flock Of Seagulls.

This is THAT guy…. with THAT hair. It’s been parodied on everything from Pulp Fiction (1994) to The Wedding Singer (1998), to the now-legendary “High School Hair” Diet Pepsi commercial. No-one knows how Mike was able to shape his hair into such a physics-defying monument to questionable taste… all we know is this : The planets have aligned, and the end is nigh.

The High-Top Fade

Kid’nPlay high top fade pic Aka : The flat’fro, the MC, the Nib, the Freshy, Kid ‘n Play, and the Eraserhead (mistakenly)

Era : 1980s-early 90s

Victims : Hip-hop artists, and everyone else who thought that MC’ing was a viable career choice.

This was THE haircut of the early rap and hip-hop generation, and everyone from Jay-Z to Heavy D, Kid ‘n Play, and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air had one, no matter how much they may deny it now. Even some women tried out the High Top Fade, like the scary, sexually androgynous Grace Jones. It was both easy to achieve and maintain. Simply let the hair up top grow long and the hair back around the neck, it all gets buzzed off (think the anti-mullet). Style it into an eraser-shaped cylinder and your ready to lace up your white Nike kicks with fat laces and beatbox your afternoon away. No wonder bucket-cap sales were so high.

Glam Metal Hair

Hair Metal pic

Aka : Metal Hair, the Fountain, the Crüe Cut, and “That’s gotta be a wig!”

Era : 1980s-early 90s

Victims : Leather ‘n spandex-wearing heavy metal bands with tour buses big enough to house all their hair products.

What started as a revolution in loud rebellious music in the 70s became a degenerate neon fashion cult in the 80s. Heavy Metal music was swamped with bands like Winger, Motley Crüe, and Whitesnake who shamelessly traded in their leather jackets, blue jeans and lightning fast solos for tight spandex pants, big hair and power chords. And with so many bands cashing in on MTV exposure all at once, it became necessary for new bands to be more visually bizarre to separate themselves from the mob. Bigger, longer and puffier hair became the goal of every front man, along with liberal applications of face paint and lipstick. Check out Twisted Sister’s singer Dee Snider for a lesson in “what not to do” for both hair-care and makeup application. Eventually the genre’s image and music became so inseparable that critics simply referred to the whole screaming bunch of ‘em as “Hair Metal”. Thank god Nirvana came along in 1991, to finally put the whole movement out of it’s lumbering misery.

The Unicorn

Vanilla Ice’s haircut pic

Aka : The White-Top Fade, the Ice Baby, or the Ice Pick

Era : Early 1990s

Victim : Just Vanilla Ice… I hope.

In a half-witted attempt to endear himself to black musicians, their fans, and most especially their fan’s wallets, faux-rapper Robert Van Winkle (aka: Vanilla Ice) adopted a fashionable High Top Fade haircut, and proceeded to pimp it into oblivion. Extending the front to a point like a Fauxhawk-meets-Greaser kinda thing and then shaving a series of racing stripes into the back of his head and neck didn’t make him or his music cooler, just silly looking. In the end, his passion for singing bad songs and looking like a doofus has stood as a cautionary monument to future generations.

The Coolio

Aka : I honestly can’t think of anything else you’d call this.

Era : Early 1990s

Coolio’s Hair clip Victims : Coolio, Weird Al Yankovic making fun of Coolio, and just about every guy I went to high school with.

Hip-hop cornrows were never the prettiest hairstyle, but when Gangsta’s Paradise hit shelves in 1995, Gangsta-rapper Coolio proved that there is always new, and horrible territory to explore when it comes to hair. So many kids I knew in school adopted this insane “I just got outta bed and my dreadlocks are everywhere” style, that looking back at yearbook pictures can be a like re-experiencing a violent car accident.

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Posted by Nostalgiaholic | Filed Under Culture, Fashion, Random Goodness

5 Responses to “The Haircut Hall ‘o Shame”

Stephie
May 28th, 2008
at 2:48 pm

Hahahahaaaa You changed the photo of yourself! But no seriously … you should cut your hair ubber short. Like (I think) you had in high school. I think I remember seeing a picture in your dorm room with short hair, it looked good.

And I love the ‘White Fro’ but you forgot a crucial hair style. A Skullet … My dad had one … it’s when you have the whole mullet thing going on in the back and not much to nothing on top.

Ok that is all!

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Elizabeth Channel
Jul 19th, 2008
at 8:14 pm

See my blog where I show comparisons between my 6-year-old’s hair and Jim Morrison’s…and then have the six-year-old’s hair cut into a mullet…like your site!

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Lothar Loc'Nar
Dec 20th, 2008
at 11:09 pm

Missed the no hair anywhere except the beard and mustache look of the look of some convict that seemed to want to fit in to the street scene when he got out.(A lot of that here on the west side of columbus OH)

If I ever go bald (I don’t think I will I’m 51 with long hair and very little receding hairline)I will want some type of tattoo covering my whole head,not sure yet exactly what. Also I’m sure I would have to spend alot of money on different wigs.

In the future maybe people can have holographic hair that conforms automatically to the customs and time of era it’s worn in. In shapes that accentuate ones mode of dress…etc.

Earl Lothar Loc’Nar

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