Dolph Lundgren ‘fo President

Posted by Nostalgiaholic | on March 10, 2008

This is what happens when political ignorance and a nostalgic, media-soaked view of reality collide. The scary thing is… It could happen!

The Primaries for the United States Election are just finishing up… crazy… Fear ‘n Loathing on the Campaign Trail 2008… To bad the late Hunter S. Thompson isn’t riding shotgun with pen and sunshine acid in hand for this one. It’d be 1972 again man. Uncle Dolph Wants You !!!

I’ve never had many strong political opinions, and I sure haven’t kept up to date on most US electoral campaigns . Heck, most of the news I receive about politics comes straight from the spittle of Jon Stewart on The Daily Show. Of course it’s hard to avoid all the publicity that this year’s US Presidential Election War has generated, and just like most of the drooling media addicts in N. America I’m totally drawn into the debate-fueled fray. I’ve developed no affiliation with any of the candidates, but I know each would be a sweeping force for change as President. In fact, “change” itself is the buzz-word for the whole electoral process in this race to the White House, and that’s got me thinking…

What kind of doors will this election open for future candidates that are REALLY different, that propose radical changes to the government and US policies ? Who could reform health care, protect the environment, and end war armed with nothing but a boot-knife and an icy stare ?

I’ll tell ‘ya who… One of my favourite Nostalgic action heroes Dolph Lundgren could !!!

Setting The President

Young Dolph Lundgren I know what you’re thinking. Dolph can’t be the President of the United States because he was born in Sweden. As of right now that’s totally true, but hey they let Ahhhhhhhnold Schwarzenegger be a Governor and he’s a Cyborg !!! from Austria !!! In a future where robots hunt humans almost to extinction !!! So why couldn’t (with a little litigation) this square-jawed Swede work his way up to the Oval Office ? Jesse Ventura was a pro-wrestler before he became a Governor, and ‘rasslin aint even real. Dolph has a 3rd degree black belt in Karate, and wasted more aliens in his 1990 flick I Come In Peace

then Ventura ever did in Predator (1987).

If anyone is worried that Dolph’s campaign will suffer because of his thick accent, just listen to some of Schwarzenegger’s speeches… I’ve heard that young children and the elderly are in danger of having their heads explode if Arnold ever uttered the words “Space-time continuum” together in a sentence… True story.

Clinton vs. He-Man

Man Of The People (Domestic Policy)

Dolph has ALWAYS been a man of the people. He’s defended people of all races and political affiliations in tons of movies during the 80s and early 90s. He preferred using large-barreled automatic weapons and lightning quick fists instead of political debate, but he’ll adjust. He’s dealt with threats to national security in Cover Up (1991), and protected immigrants from ruthless overseas gangsters in Showdown In Little Tokyo (1991). This is the kind of guy you can bring the huddled masses to in times of need, and because he speaks five languages he’ll know exactly what take-out to order when everyone gets hungry.

Dolph would also maintain America’s firm hold on wholesome religious values. In the movie The Minion (1997) Dolph plays a priest tracking down the slaves of Satan and beating them into gooey smears with a spikey jesus fist. The flick is kinda like a combination of The Exorcist (1973) and Fallen (1998) with no budget for special effects. Also, in the movie Johnny Mnemonic (1996) Dolph played a hitman who actually thought he WAS jesus! How Republican can you get ?

Here’s a couple more little known fact about the Dolphinator. He’s actually got a master’s degree in chemical engineering, and was part of a highly trained team of “businessmen” who worked with Max Zorin in the 1985 James Bond film A View To A Kill. No stranger to dealing with big business, Lundgren is as equally adept at balancing budgets as he is at dispensing pain to evildoers…. Of course THEY were actually the bad guys in that film, and he was kinda more like a thug… and got beat up by Rodger Moore…. errrr moving on. Dolph Lundgren from Universal Soldier

FIRE IN THE HOLE !!! (Foreign Policy)

When it comes to the affairs of a chaotic outside world, President Lundgren would be all action! in his Communist-bashing 1988 flick Red Scorpion, he clearly outlined his policy on how to deal with oppression in third-world countries. Kill. Maim. Blow stuff up. Helicopters, tanks and depth-perceptionally challenged soviets won’t stop Dolph from unleashing a hailstorm of bullets and democracy on the world ! And evil-doers won’t just fear him, but his highly-trained, zombie-like fighting force from the movie Universal Soldier (1992) as well.

Okay, so maybe violence isn’t the answer to the world’s problems, but I believe that Dolph is an avatar for freedom and would end terrorism if elected. Dolph Lundgren’s reputation alone would send tremors of terror through the hearts of terrorists in every dark corner of the planet. How you ask ? What could this blonde muscle-head possibly have done to warrant such a badass rep ?

He Totally Owned Skeletor

Dolph Lundgren as He-Man It was 1987 and a military coupe in Eternia had un-seated the benign government and replaced it with a dictatorship under Skeletor, an under-nourished megalomaniac who’d dark designs threatened universal freedom itself. Armed with nothing but a loincloth, golden shoulderpads, a big sword, and the future cast of Star Trek :Voyager, our hero Dolph Lundgren stormed castle Greyskull. He beat up about a hundred stormtroopers, saved Mr. Stickland from Back To the Future (1985), and single-handedly took on and defeated Skeletor himself in single combat while screaming “I HAVE THE POWER” at the top of his lungs !!! Cover of Masxters Of The Universe

Now you probably think I’ve been rolling up and smoking the wallpaper after reading the above paragraph, but it’s all true, check out the legendary 80s geek-gasm film Masters of The Universe if ‘ya don’t believe me. Now I ask you, what kind of terrorist, dictator, or enemy to the free world is gonna mess with a guy that beat up an entity so evil that he’s got a skull for a face ? Granted it was actually just Shakespearian actor Frank Langella in a skull-mask, but that voice… That voice is pure evil man !!! Dolph saved the Universe without messing up his bleached wig, or getting any of that “Tan-in-a-Can” stuff on any furniture. That’s the kind of guy I want running the free world.

Either him, Ralph Wiggum or Christopher Walken… I dunno… Who are you voting for ?

Much love.

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