Top 10 Worst Comic Book Role-models

Posted by Nostalgiaholic | on November 27, 2007

A plethora of literary heroes on which disgruntled parents can sink their razor-sharp anxiety into…

wolverine mugshotThis holiday season, I’ve noticed the local Mega-Lo-Marts are stocked fulla Spiderman merchandise: figures, dancing dolls, spidey-themed monster trucks. And the toy that I would have gladly given my left kidney or little brother to own when I was a kid; The Official Spiderman compressed-air web shooters !!!

You hook them onto your hands and press the palm pad in a classic Spidey heavy metal finger pose and the wrist mechanism shoot silly string (you know, the stuff that you spay on the veranda for Halloween one year, and sticks around for next year). Strap on a Spidey mask and a pair of red and blue jammies and you aren’t just playing anymore…

You ARE Spiderman !!!!
web shooter
Now predictably, parents are up in arms against this plastic-fantastic menace. Who wants their kids bouncing around the living room Christmas morning, sleep deprived, high on X-Mas cheer and Terries Chocolate Oranges while shooting booger-string all over the family ?

I can almost hear the screams of “I AM SPIDERMAN !!! DID SOMEONE CALL FOR A WEBSLINGER !!????” ricocheting around the neighborhood now.

I watched an interview on CBC with the spokeswoman for some “Parents Against Rational thought” group… or something, who spoke out against the toy. She labeled them as dangerous, impractical, messy (guilty on all three), and then went on to label the character of Spiderman to be subversive and a bad role model because of his fictional pretext.

Now, being weened on weekdays of after-school Spiderman cartoons (the original 1960s-style), I take a bit of offense to someone saying that Spidey is no good. Sure the toy is a mom’s worst nightmare, but to call Spiderman a bad role model is ridiculous !!! Of course he’s fictional, he’s a comic book character ! An archetype ! A hero ! Saying he’s a bad role model for being fictional is like saying Samuel Beckett’s Plays mean nothing because they’re about nothing !!! It’s the underlying themes and ideals that the character stands for that is important. Wow, I’m off on a rip now aren’t I…?

Off the top of my head I can name a zillion other comic book characters that could (and probably would) “subvert” an impressionable mind (worked on me). Now don’t get me wrong, I love comics, I’m a nerd, who aint…? And these guys are near and dear to me, but c’mon, they certain aren’t very good role models. In most cases, that’s whats so cool about them.

Top 10 Worst Comic Book Role-models

GambitNumber 10 - Gambit
“Suc Reh Bleau !!! I am le walking… how you say…? stereotype… ze poor writers no nozing about French peepoles so they make me talk like ze Ostrich guy on dat Dude Where’s Ma Car movie” On top of that, he’s also a petty criminal and a man-bimbo.

Silver SurferNumber 9 - The Silver Surfer
This guy is like every father’s nightmare slacker son. He had a steady job that got him respect, and allowed him to see the Universe, working for the biggest super..ummmm.. repossessing company ever. But he gave it all up when he took a pit-stop at earth, for what…? So he could Surf aimlessly around the Galaxy, preaching non-violence and trying to “Find himself”. He’s like every pseudo-bohemian surfer-guy I’ve ever met, and he’ll end up just the same. Working at A&W when he’s 35.

Iron ManNumber 8 - Iron Man
Tony Stark is a millionaire playboy with more money than God, who, between bouts of serious alcoholism, straps on a billion dollars of space age weapons to play God and blast enemies into space-dust… Boys and their toys eh ?

Hulk Number 7 - The Incredible Hulk
The Hulk is Kermit the Frog meets Tom Sizemore.

A big, green, wife-beating time bomb ready to explode! A perfect poster child for a generation of high-school thugs on downers.

 

Captain America Number 6 - Captain America
Steve Rodgers was a scrawny little art student from no-where Alabama who wanted nothing more than to escape his menial existence by fighting a distant war for his country… Just like the WW II posters told him too. So the United States Government shot him full of steroids and sent him off to do battle with foreign invaders. His next assignment. Kill Michael Moore !!! The scary thing is, I know people like this. Know Them….

SpawnNumber 5 - Spawn
This dude was a mercenary who was betrayed and gunned down by his former employer. He made a deal with the Devil to return to earth, instead of swallowing the vile, bloody soup he made for himself like a man. Unfortunetly, he came back horribly deformed and chock-full of neato evil powers. Deal with evil, get kewl swag… what a moral !

Robin Number 4 - Robin
Oh where do I begin…?
He dresses like a dancer on the Color-blind Gay Rugby Player Association float at Mardi Gras. He spends his nights swinging around Gotham in what appears to be snake skin bikini bottom alongside a man in a bodysock that is twice his age. I don’t care if he did grow up in the circus, there’s weird, and then there’s Robin. But poor Dick isn’t fully responsible for his own flaming levels of freakishness, that falls on the veiled shoulders of our next failed idol…

Adam West as BatmanNumber 3 - Batman
Honestly, what rational person would deal with childhood trauma by becoming a ridiculously costumed control freak? His megalomania is so severe that he believes only he is capable of policing the sociopaths in “his” Gotham city. He is, in effect, deifying himself as “King Lunatic” among some dodgey multiple murderers.
He is so delusional that he spent his fortune developing an armory that puts MI6 to shame instead of effecting change and donating to charities that help people. All so he could contain himself and his psychotic super-villain friends in his crucible of lunacy. And why drag a poor, helpless, nerdy little teenage prostitute like Robin into all that…?
(Batman may be a poor role model for kids, but he sure is one of the coolest comic heros of all time ! Btw, I decided to go with the Adam West version here, ’cause I love the old Batman show.)

WolverineNumber 2 - Wolverine
I know he’s cool, and Canadian and everyone loves him in the movies and everything, myself included, but Logan isn’t one of those guys that you’d point to and say, “someday Timmy, you’ll grow up and be just like that guy.”

You see, Wolverine has a problem. It’s pretty hard to hit someone so hard it knocks them out without putting them into a coma, so Wolverine just skipped that part of Superhero basic training. He decided it was easier to use his claws to save the day. That means every time he storms the super-villain’s lair, a dozen or so henchman’s families receive condolence baskets of cheese and marmalade. He’s got a murder count that easily rivals any villain, and yet we love his sarcastic charm and funky hairdo.

 

…And finally…

 

Punisher Number 1 - The Punisher
Frank Castle is the guy that makes Batman seem not only well-adjusted, but downright creative. The Punisher is basically the exact same nut-case as Batman but instead of creating an elaborate mythos of self delusion, paranoia and fear. He just went out and bought himself a big gun… Where Batman thought up all kinds of neat inventions to fight crime. The Punisher spent all his money on ammo and whiskey. He’s a manic-depressed, alcoholic, gun toting thug that lives in his van… All hail Hobo-Cop !!!

So there you go, a plethora of literary heroes on which disgruntled parents can sink their razor-sharp anxiety into. Maybe next time they’ll realize that targeting Spiderman as a corrupter of youth is like pointing the bone at Mr. Dress-up in comparison to some of these much more messed up (and therefore more interesting) characters.

Awwww who am I kidding, I’m just bitter ’cause I don’t have any Web Shooters….

Much Love…

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Posted by Nostalgiaholic | Filed Under Comics  

5 Responses to “Top 10 Worst Comic Book Role-models”

  1. AvatarJudy
    Dec 11th, 2007
    at 7:17 pm
    1

    Very Interesting Nostalgiaholic! Afternoons laying in the tent-trailer listening to Batman and Superman tapes seemed to have left an impression!

    Reply to this comment.
  2. AvatarStephie
    Feb 7th, 2008
    at 9:50 pm
    2

    Ok I do havta say that yes Wolverine & Gambit are far from good role models. But they are AWESOME! Bad Ass to the core, which makes them great!

    Lucky fricken Rogue and Jean Gray. I would kill for a real man like them … someone who would risk it all to be with me and save me. There’s more then one reason Rogue was always my favorite!!

    The rest thou I don’t really care to much about. Except Batman … he’s just cool cause he’s a superhero with out any ‘powers’ just cool gadgets.

    Reply to this comment.
  3. AvatarBombardem
    Feb 19th, 2008
    at 6:04 pm
    3

    Gambit isnt french genius…he’s Cajun.

    Reply to this comment.
  4. AvatarNostalgiaholic
    Mar 4th, 2008
    at 1:33 pm
    4
    Author Comment

    Oh my Gawd… you know what that means? My mom’s side ‘o the family might be able to electrically charge stuff by touching them !!!!
    Wait… that also means I’m related to the French… and Newfoundlanders…
    Weird…

    Reply to this comment.
  5. AvatarMatt
    Apr 4th, 2008
    at 4:35 pm
    5

    You couldn’t leave it alone, could you? How could you do it? How could you put your childhood best friend’s favorite hero, The Silver Surfer on that list? Did I ever give you crap as a kid for being a fan of Moon Knight - the worst Batman rip-off ever created? No! It’s quite possible I’ll never forgive you for this old buddy…

    Reply to this comment.

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